Wind.

I think wind is my least favorite weather.

I feel so vulnerable.

It's like you are just waiting for the wind to make up its mind on what it wants to destroy.

Sometimes it is just a little scare and nothing happens.

And other times.. 

Well, we've all seen the news.

I don't mean to be so Debbie Downer,

I'm just not a big fan of the wind keeping me up at night. 

Sleep tight.

Banged up.

Surprise, surprise.

So, guess who got asked out on a date?

This girl.

It was last night.

I wont lie, I was a little nervous.

Almost forgot how to act while on  a date..

But no worries.

I conquered it.

And it was actually pretty fun.

We went bowling and made gingerbread houses.

My date bowled a 141.

Not too bad.

I bowled a 45.

No, I didn't forget the "1" in front.

Forty-five.

Impressive.

I know. 

Then we killed at gingerbread houses.

Slash gingerbread cities.

(That's what we were going for, a city.)

 The thing in the front,

that's a Christmas tree.

You should of seen it when it was made out of M&Ms...

Well, I'm not a fan of blind dates.

Or first dates at all.

And I try to stay away from them.

But this one passed the test of being a pretty ok first date.

I also went to a party on Wednesday night.

I know, I know.

I was a little shocked too.

Party one night, date the next?

Who am I?

Anyway, the party.

So it was a dance party and you go dressed up from your favorite decade.

How sweet?

So obviously, I dressed the part of a 1920s chick. 

It was pretty rad.

Hair:

(Well, half of it..)

Headband:

Last and definitely best, my dress:

 Everything looked a lot better in real life.

I'll try and find a picture of it all together..

But the dress I got the day before the party, 20 bucks. 

I loved it. 

Great, great party.

Help.

For the past two weeks we've been really busy at work.

So everyone has called in friends and family to come and help.

On a normal day, there are seven girls working and one boy.

It's a bakery, what do you expect?

Well for this past little while, we've been split into two shifts and now when I work it is two girls and five boys.

And I realized something,

I completely forgot how to communicate with boys.

I mean, I can still talk to them and all but..

The other girl? 

She's already been asked out.

Three times.

But it's completely unfair.

She goes to school and has plenty of chances to talk to boys.

For the past four months I've spent every day working with a boy who instead of swearing under his breath, says every other word under his breath and his swear words loud enough for everyone to hear.

So I'm clearly out of practice.

And it kind of made me realize, 

I miss dating.

I haven't been on a real date since prom.

(Because no, I am not counting hot tub boy who spoke 1 sentence to me the entire time we were on our "date." And I paid for myself. So really, it doesn't count at all.)

And we all know how well that ended.

I know most of you readers already know this, 

but  those of you who don't..

Prepare to be blown away by ultimate patheticness.

I've still never kissed a boy.

I turn 19 in one week.

And I'm still reppin the virgin lips.

Pray for me.

New Life's Resolutions.

Well, November came and went.

Now December is already here.

Along with the first day of the last month of the year, 

I got a new perspective.

First of all,

I went to college today.

Not actual classes..

But I had an appointment with a counselor so I can sign up for classes.

An appointment I should have made a month ago.

I just kept putting it off.

Because I knew that as soon as I made the appointment,

It all would begin.

Life.

And I was a little bit scared of life.

I was scared that I was going to have to decide my future.

And I wasn't even sure what I wanted my future to consist of.

So I ignored it.

I was living in this imaginary world where everything would just, happen.

And I was terrified to step out of that dream.

But I did.

And things feel good.

I still don't know exactly how my future is going to pan out. 

But I'm not scared of it anymore.

I'm excited.

Excited to see what college will bring.

Excited to see what God has in store for me.

I can tell you this, I will do the things I want. 

Like travel.

Everywhere.

And find real love.

Have kids.

Then travel with them.

And sometimes we look at our lives, our parents lives, and we just figure that we won't be able to do the things we so badly desire.

We figure that wealth breads wealth and only the wealthy can afford things like traveling.

But here's the thing, anyone can do anything.

Money isn't an issue.

If you want something, work for it.

You don't have to come from a wealthy family to do those things.

You just have to want it.

How many stories are there of ridiculously poor people who amount to everything?

And rich people who amount to absolutely nothing?

Your future is what you make of it. 

Some call what happens to us fate.

I call it choice.

Because things will happen, but you have a choice of how they will affect you. 

So, starting today, I make my own future.

And don't worry,

Soon you will all be reading about how incredible my life will be.

Just wait.

What we do at work.

Say Goodbye.

Saying goodbye was never one of my strengths.

I'm terrible at it.

I always say the wrong thing. 

Especially on Sunday.

I went to say goodbye to my best friend.

I knew what I was going to say.

Yet, not one single word of that came out.

It basically went like this, 

Thanks for everything.

Then we hugged.

Yeah, you too. 

Well...see ya..later?

Um..Yeah. See ya.

Then I got in the car and totally lost it.

I couldn't believe that is how I was planning on saying goodbye to my best friend.

But I left. 

And I couldn't sleep that night.

I didn't even say the word goodbye.

Just "see ya".

Something you say to your friend who is leaving your house but you are planning on seeing in like ten minutes.

Not someone leaving the country for two years.

But I didn't want to go see him again.

Because there is a reason I am no good at saying goodbye.

I don't like it.

I don't like the idea of someone leaving me.

Because like I said, you don't say goodbye to someone you plan on seeing soon.

You say it to someone you know you won't see in a long while.

And I don't want to think about not seeing my best friend for that long.

I didn't go back over on Sunday after I realized what a foolish farewell that was.

And I didn't go over Monday.

Then at work today, I realized, today was my last chance.

But I just couldn't go over.

So I decided to call him.

I knew exactly what I was going to say.

Thought it all out before I even dialed his number.

And the second he told me he was now officially a missionary, 

I forgot every word I had planned out.

But I said what I wanted to.

And I said goodbye.

Now he can leave.

I'll see him soon.

Happy Birthday.

In seventh grade I met someone.

We became friends in our creative writing class.

Gave each other nicknames.

I liked one of his good friends for the next two years so we all hung out.

He ran for sophomore council, and I was in his skit.

Then he got me to run the next year for junior council.

Lots of good times there.

Then we both ran for it senior year.

Spent mornings, afternoons, and nights together.

I helped him with math and he helped me attempt to do online classes.

I helped him with girls, he helped me with boys.

We joked about his first kiss, and the lack of mine.

He told me the truth when no one else did, and I told him when he was being a jerk.

I gave him a Taylor Swift calendar for Christmas, he gave me a picture of a fat guy in a speedo.

We played pranks on each other and shared secrets we didn't tell anyone else.

I saved his butt multiple times, and he saved mine.

Well,

It's been six years since we met, and he's still my best friend.

And today he turns 19. 

In one week from today, he leaves for his mission.

Two years in Panama City, Panama.

I helped him pack up his room a little while ago.

And oh man, he is ready.

There is just one problem,

I don't know if I am.

Who is going to get excited with me when I take out my contacts after weeks of wearing them?

Who am I going to send pictures to of all the good food I make?

And who is going to call me Ching Chong?

I guess it's for a good cause though...

Plus, two years ago we were on junior council together. 

And that seems like yesterday.

So before I even know it, he'll be back.

But until then, 

Happy Birthday Alfred.

That thing that happens to us all.

I've been in a funk. 

It happens to everyone.

And whether you are in one now or have previously been in one, you know what it's like.

Sometimes it starts by meeting someone that is just so put together.

They know what they are doing, where they are going, and nothing is going to stop them.

So obviously, this causes you to stop and reflect on where you are.

You aren't dating anyone.

You aren't currently enrolled in school.

You have zero social life.

And you work at a bakery.

Woo-hoo.

It then may seem as if you are going nowhere in life.

And sometimes that thought causes you to lose hope that you will amount to anything.

And losing hope is never any good.

Because when you lose hope in one thing, it is a lot easier to assume all hope is lost.

You try to blog.

Thinking that will help you get all of your thoughts out and then you can conquer them.

But then you think, who cares?

Who wants to read about how depressing and confusing your life may seem?

So you try a journal.

But the words just don't come.

Your parents ask what is wrong.

And you can't tell them.

Because you don't really know.

You just feel empty.

You feel like you aren't really there.

That you are just going through all the motions.

With no emotion.

You can't even get yourself to do the miniscule things like cleaning your room.

Because you just don't see the point.

You want to quit.

Be done with it all.

Then finally, you just can't do it anymore.

And that is the moment when you fall to your knees.

You let it all out.

You scream.

You cry.

You whisper.

And then you are silent.

Every thought and feeling you've been holding in finally comes out.

You just collapse.

Because everything is finally off of your shoulders.

You get that little glimpse of hope you've been longing for.

And you finally realize something you've known all along.

You realize, that He doesn't care.

He doesn't care if you are currently single.

Or if the most eventful thing you do all day is drizzle chocolate onto cakebites.

He loves you regardless.

And life will get better.

Every trial is only there to make you stronger.

Make you a better person.

Overcoming those trials prove to the world that you deserve the very best that life has to offer, and that you will succeed.

And nothing will stop you from accomplishing what you want and reaching your dreams.

You have so much potential.

We all do.

Maybe working at a bakery is what you want to do for the rest of your life.

Maybe it makes you happy.

If it does, nothing else matters.

No one else but you has a say in it.

You do what makes you happy.

Because you are the only one that will have to wake up every morning to those decisions..

Life can be as good as you make it.

So make it the best.

Don't cut yourself short.

You deserve better.

You deserve the best.

Writers block.

I have nothing to say.

It's Kind of a Funny Story

"You're cool. You're smart. You're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know what I would do just to be you for just a day? I would, I would do so much. I would, I don't know, I'd just... I'd just live. Like it meant something." 

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie  It's Kind of a Funny Story, but it is a good one.

There is no complicated plot.

No horrific love affair.

Nothing.

Just real life.

It's about a boy.

Who has problems.

Problems like homework.

And friends.

And college applications.

Every problem that a normal teenager has.

He gets a little suicidal and puts himself in a mental hospital.

He realizes that people out there are homeless.

Or have a serious mental issues.

Or have tried to kill themselves multiple times.

Everyone has problems.
We all go through those times when we think there is nothing to live for.
We think that our problems are so bad and nothing could ever be worse.
Some of you may have wanted to end your life.
Some of you may have wanted to run away.
But don't.
There is so much to live for.
If you aren't spending your time living, you are spending it dying.
Be grateful for what you have.
And remember, there is always someone worse off than you.

Okay, I know you're thinking, "What is this? Kid spends a few days in the hospital and all his problems are cured?" But I'm not. I know I'm not. I can tell this is just the beginning. I still need to face my homework, my school, my friends. My dad. But the difference between today and last Saturday is that for the first time in a while, I can look forward to the things I want to do in my life. Bike, eat, drink, talk. Ride the subway, read, read maps. Make maps, make art. Finish the Gates application. Tell my dad not to stress about it. Hug my mom. Kiss my little sister. Kiss my dad. Have a party. Tell people my story. Volunteer at 3 North. Help people like Bobby. Like Muqtada. Like me. Draw more. Draw a person. Run, travel, swim, skip. Yeah, I know it's lame, but, whatever. Skip anyway. Breathe... Live.

Oops..

Yes, I do realize it has been a week since I probably should of announced the winner of the contest.

But listen, sometimes I just forget things.

This was one of those things.

BUT.

I have the winner!

So it's all good, right?

Anyway, here is you wonderful, beautiful, fabulous winner of the month.

So, Shelbie Jude Shill. 

If you wouldn't mind sending me your address, 

I would LOVE to send you the prize.

Melted crayon art.

I came across this last night and decided to make it. 

So. Awesome.

Would you like to learn how?

Okay, first things first. 

This is what you need:

1. A canvas. You can purchase it at any Wal-mart. Between 8-10 dollars.

2. A hairdryer. Any will do.

 3. Crayons. How ever many you like. 

(I got the bigger canvas and a box of 48 crayons. Worked out perfectly.)

4. Glue. I used Elmers, not my best decision. Use a better glue.

It worked fine, just took a long time to dry.

5. Once you have all of your supplies, glue the crayons onto the canvas. 

Do it however you want. I chose rainbow order.

It worked nicely.

6. When they are all glued on, hold the canvas so that the crayons are at the top and tip it a little.

Then start blowdrying.

The best way is to start at one side and progressively move down the crayon line.

Be patient. It takes a few minutes to get the crayons to drip.

Just let them drip down the canvas.

(You need to hold it up the whole time while you are blowdrying.)

7. When the drips have reached the desired point on the canvas, lay it flat. 

It takes like three minutes to dry.

And ta-da!

Finished project.

Freaking so sweet.

To be, or not to be. It doesn't matter.

Living in a world where everyone tries to please everyone else, gets difficult. 

You say things over and over again because it's what they want to hear.

You say those things so much, that you can't even remember if they are what you really believe.

You feel like there is only one way to live and if you aren't following the footsteps of others, then you wont get support from anyone. 

The sentence,

"Oh, I'm actually not going to school right now."

becomes a conversation killer. 

You don't know what you want anymore.

Maybe this was the wrong decision.

What if I'm supposed to be doing that?

Should I be here?

What if I am missing out because I chose this instead?

I'm positive that I am not the only one who has had those thoughts.

But guess what.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what you chose.

School, 

work, 

living at home, 

moving out, 

where to go to school, 

what to study,

where to work,

etc.

It doesn't matter what you decide to do.

Because that is the thing.

YOU decide.

If it makes you happy, then do it.

No one else matters.

Forever I thought that there was a specific plan I needed to follow and if I didn't follow it perfectly, then my life just wouldn't go the way it should.

But that's not how it works.

YOU pick what you want to do.

YOU pick where you want to do it.

Then everything else falls into place.

It's okay to change your mind.

Your entire life doesn't need to be decided right this very second. 

In fact, even if you do plan it all out, it most likely wont go according to plan.

Things happen.

You change.

And nothing is wrong with that.

I would think something is wrong if you decided what you wanted when you were six and haven't changed your mind one bit since. 

Because you grow and learn new things, therefore changing the way you think. 

When you are introduced to more of the world, then you have more choices. 

Just choose what makes you happy.

It may take awhile to find out what that "thing" is. 

You may have to try 100 things to realize what you want to do with your life.

That's fine. 

It's your life.

Stop living it the way others want you to. 

Do exactly what you want. 

Be happy.