Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day twenty six.

I feared for this day. 
Sharing my fears, it is not something I really like to do.
Mostly because then it makes the fears seem that much more real.
Here goes nothing.

I am scared of a lot of things. So if you are not in the mood to read a lot, I suggest stopping at this point. 
Because I can not tell you exactly how long I plan on making this post.
But I can tell you this much...
It will be long. 
So, get comfortable.

We'll start simple.
I am 100% terrified of clowns. 
I hate them.
I hate everything about them.
The fact that they are a big hit at 
little kid parties makes no sense to me.
They are creepy.
My family finds it enjoyable to make
the clowns in parades come up to me.
I find no humor in it.
My sister finds it hilarious to have a boy 
sit in the front seat of my car with a clown mask on.
Again. Not very humorous.
What is fun about a grown man in 
rainbow colors with crazy hair and a painted on smile?
And have you ever noticed that whenever you hear 
a "clown story" it is almost always a scary one?
And the laugh they do.
I just got the shivers.

That fear sort of links into this next one.
I hate them just about as much as clowns.
Ever since I met Chip and Dale at Disneyland.
I hate them.
Especially the cow at Chick-fil-a
Would you walk up to a stranger on the street and hug him?
No. Because that is weird.
So how on earth does putting that stranger in a large 
furry costume so that their face is completely masked make it any better?
I will never understand them. 
Or those who like them.

This one is not as little kidish. 
Falling in love.
Not that I'm scared of falling in love, 
or that I never will fall in love.
Because I know for a fact I'll fall in love with someone.
But what if someone never falls in love with me.
Because that happens to some people.
They live their entire lives by themselves.
I am terrified of ending up alone.
And I don't care if this is a complete kill to 
woman power or whatever,
I need a man in my life.
Not necessarily right now. 
But definitely later in life.
I'm not one of those chicks who can say that I'll 
be fine if I never get married.
Because I will not be fine.
I am scared that it'll happen though. 
Very scared. 

Growing up.
This one's a debate though.
I'm terrified of it.
But so very excited.
It still counts as a fear though because there are times when
I am consumed with fear of growing up.
I don't know why.
Because I can't wait to get out of high school and get into the real world.
But what if I can't do it?
What if it is absolutely nothing like I expect it to be and I have 
to come running back home because I can't do it?

I'm also scared of never being good enough for someone.
I know that is a stupid one because I shouldn't be living 
for someone to tell me I'm good enough for them.
But we all do.
I think that is a fear everyone shares.
We all want to be loved and adored by someone.
And what if I am never enough?
I guess it kind of links back to the being scared of never falling in love,
I just want to be good enough for someone and be 
the person that is on someone's mind all the time. 
I want to be the girl that he is obsessed with.
The one he does little things that are completely 
out of his way just to see me.
The one he tells his family all about. 
The one he brags to his friends about.
Sorry..I'm starting to ramble. 
When I get going on certain subjects, I can't stop.
Falling in love is one of those subjects.
So back to my fears. 

I'm scared of my house burning down.
Mostly everything inside of my house.
I get really attached to things.
Especially all my pictures and journals.
If I watched those go up in flames, 
I don't know what I'd do.

And of course,
that fear leads to this next one.
I'm scared of not remembering.
That is one of the reasons I write in my journals so much.
I hate when older people say that they can't 
remember their childhood or teenage years.
It has been so great.
I would never want to forget some of the things I've done.
Or the things I've thought.
What if you could not remember anything?
That is one of the most terrifying things to me.
So I write.

You want to know what is weird?
I am scared of all these stupid things that really don't matter,
but I am not scared of death.
That is some people's biggest fear.
But nothing about it scares me.
Oh, but I promise I won't commit suicide. 
It's not like I want to die, 
I'm just not scared to.
This courage definitely is because of my religion.
Knowing what happens after death, 
brings me such happiness.
And in the words of Peter Pan,
"To die would be an awfully big adventure."

Anyway, I'll let you get back to your lives.
Sorry I blabbered so much.
But in my defense, I did warn you.
And you could of stopped at any time.
So no complaining.
And remember, fear is only as deep as the mind allows it.
It is ok to be afraid. 
But once that fear stops you from doing things you love, it becomes not ok. 
So fear less, and hope more.
And overall,
Enjoy life.
Each day only happens once.
Don't let any of them go to waste.

1 comment:

Jessica said...

Jenna I like your fear of mascots. HAHA the freaking COW!